Reflecting on 2024
/A few years ago, I implemented the practice of asking myself four questions after every performance: What went well? What went not so well? What did I learn? What will I do differently next time? I completed this ritual religiously for a while, and then only occasionally, but I always find that a few minutes of intentional reflection leads to far more growth than just moving forward passively. So here is my reflection on 2024, and some hopes for the coming year.
What went well?
As a whole, I think 2024 was one of the best years I’ve had in a long time. In the past five years, I’ve endured a pandemic, a pregnancy, and a challenging postpartum experience. This year was the first time I wasn’t actively grappling with one of those things. My son is two-and-a-half. My body is strong, my hormones are stable, and my Zoloft prescription is dialed in. So I started the year with a much stronger hand than any other recent year, and I think I played it pretty well.
I had a weekly gig for the first time–Jazz in the Park on Monday afternoons in downtown Nashville. It’s a 1-hour performance with my friend Nate on drums, my friend Alec on bass, and me playing ukulele and singing. This has pushed me to get better at singing and playing, and I’ve logged a lot of hours improvising while playing. Now, when I improvise without playing, it feels like I’ve taken off a weighted vest and can run twice as fast. The consistency of the gig means I always have a chance to do better, and I feel permission to make more mistakes. Playing with other musicians (as opposed to practicing alone in my home) means I’m constantly taking in different musical ideas, learning to lock rhythmically with more experienced players, and practicing the art of being present and listening.
I released music consistently! In May, I went into the studio and recorded six songs with my friends. The session went so much better than I expected (meaning the sound of my own voice didn’t make me cringe), and that was a big boost to my musical confidence. I was able to space these releases out across the rest of the year, and it’s given me the confidence and energy to plan bigger and better recording projects and collaborations.
I collaborated more closely with my friend (and excellent bassist) Katie Blomarz-Kimball. We went on two trips to lead clinics at universities, which ended up being incredibly restful working vacations, as well as giving me new confidence in my abilities and knowledge. It marked a transition into a new phase of musicianship–I am no longer a beginner, and I have plenty of valuable knowledge to share. I will always be a lifelong learner, and I will always seek to gain knowledge from those who are more experienced than I am (there are a LOT of people more experienced than me)! At the same time, I have been studying jazz for eight years now. I have performed hundreds of times and built a career that’s nothing to sneeze at. I have some knowledge of my own to share, and I enjoyed sharing it.
I started working for the Nashville Jazz Workshop. They’re a non-profit that focuses on providing jazz education along with world-class performances. I actually worked there as volunteer coordinator years ago, but left in 2020. The Jazz Workshop is in a time of transition, with the founders retiring, and I was thrilled to step in in August to manage social media and support my friend David Rodgers as Artistic Director. In the months since, David has also taken on the Executive Director role, and I’ve taken on more responsibility in marketing and communications. I believe so strongly in the mission of NJW, and I’m thrilled to be on the team that will take the organization into its next phase.
I improved my health. After many months of struggling with painful skin issues, after visiting an allergist and trying out tons of different medications, and after visiting an expensive dermatologist, I found the medication that stopped the spiral. Shout out to Opzelura for saving my sanity. I also strength trained consistently, and my body feels pretty normal for the first time since having a baby.
I went to couples counseling. My husband and I had both been to individual counseling since our son was born, but this year we decided to go together and focus on building the strongest relationship possible. I am eternally grateful that my husband was on board with this, and the result has been a dream come true. We get to enjoy this sweet, fleeting phase of our son’s life as full partners and best friends.
I wrote so many songs. SO MANY. I often get discouraged and forget how large my creative output is because most of my songs are written for a children’s music company. After I write them, they mostly fly off to different creative departments and I may not hear about them for a long time, if ever again. But dammit, I wrote a lot of great songs! I worked with kind people! What a privilege.
What went not so well?
My greatest challenge, and perhaps failure, was allowing social media to fuel comparison and feelings of inadequacy. I often compare myself to other jazz vocalists and get stuck wondering why other women are more successful. Why do our brains love doing this so much? Comparison and the ensuing emotions stunt my creativity and get me stuck in a rut.
I got covid. First time! Getting sick isn’t a failure, but in this case I went against my own gut in order to fit in, and I believe that’s what led to me getting sick. I was at a jazz camp in Austin and I convinced myself that wearing a mask when I heard those sniffles start going around would just draw unnecessary attention and wouldn’t be that effective anyway. I can’t know if that’s true or not, but I know I would feel a lot less crappy about getting covid (and having to cancel an important show, and dealing with the long term effects of the illness) if I had followed my gut.
I overcommitted. If I look at my current slate of commitments, I couldn’t tell you what needs to go. But I know I try really hard not to disappoint or upset other people, even if it means sacrificing my own wellbeing. I said yes to a lot of things, and I often felt stressed, anxious, and discouraged.
What did I learn?
I learned that I need to put major boundaries on social media. It’s part of my job, so I can’t fully cut the cord, but it’s essential to remember why social media is bad for me and focus on the positive impact boundaries can have. Less comparison means more creativity! Less social media means more fun and satisfaction.
I learned to follow my gut. I repeatedly encounter situations where disregarding my gut leads to negative outcomes. It’s not an excuse to think I’m right about everything, but I can trust myself more often. Worst case scenario, I can be wrong and take responsibility. I can live with that a lot easier than suffering because I tried to defer to other people.
I learned that I need friendships. My time with Katie, my time with other mom friends, my time making music with others, and my time with my husband were all so life-giving! Friendships can be hard and messy. There might be awkward moments. I might say the wrong thing or regret going out or feel exhausted. But I need friendships, and it’s worth a few awkward moments to find the balance there.
I learned that I am capable and have valuable knowledge. On the one hand, this is encouraging and makes me feel more optimistic about future creative endeavors. On the other hand, it takes away the crutch of, “I’m new to this,” or, “I’m just a student.” I am a student, but not just a student. I have to take more responsibility for both my successes and my failures and move forward as a fully fledged adult.
What will I do differently next time?
I’ll put my phone in the other room more often. So many of life’s stresses and problems are completely made up by my phone addiction. The phone is a necessary tool for my work, it’s sometimes a safety device, and it keeps me connected to friends and family. But holy moly, I sacrificed a lot of rest and happiness by having my phone on me at all times.
I’ll be a little less careful. See how I softened that statement? I originally wrote “give fewer f****,” so I’m off to a bad start. But the goal is to spend less time worrying what others think and more time living my life. I’ll say no to some things, even if it risks disappointing someone. I’ll write more bad songs. I’ll aim to make more rather than trying to engineer success. I’ll be more vocal about things I believe in, even if my parents or old friends might disapprove. I’ll speak up when I hear harmful things being said.
I’ll embrace leadership. I’m not the best at much of anything, but that doesn’t mean I should shut up, shrink, or give up. I should be a leader–someone who encourages, who shares knowledge, who pursues creative ideas–and accept that I don’t need to be the best to be valuable. There are better teachers, better vocalists, better writers, better moms, better friends, better everything out there. But hiding my light under the proverbial bushel doesn’t benefit anyone. So I’ll lead where I can and celebrate those whose leadership enriches my own life.
That’s it for me. I hope you’re stepping into the new year with excitement and hope, or if not, then at least with a few good friends. Leave a comment with your 2024 reflections, and be safe this evening!
